Happy New Year

Happy New Year. As always I start the year by looking back, tongue in cheek, at the twelve months gone by. Here’s a reminder of what you missed.

January – Ricky Gervais surprised and outraged Hollywood during his Golden Globes hosting duties by doing something he hasn’t done since – making people laugh. Richard Keys and Andy Gray lost their jobs at Sky TV after making sexist remarks. Head of Sky Sports said “I won’t have my staff saying women only work here because of their looks. That’s my job, and I’ve said so to all those blonde, big lipped, busty birds I employ to read the sports news.”

February - Colin Firth won an Oscar for The King’s Speech, the tale of a man who has to overcome a very large handicap to get on in public life. John Bercow, speaker of The House Of Commons, says he knows how that feels after his wife appears naked in a magazine with only a strategically placed sheet. Unfortunately it failed to cover one particularly upsetting part of her anatomy. Her mouth.

March – David Cameron and western allies impose a “no fly” zone over Libya. Millions of flies protest. Charlie Sheen, the highest paid TV actor in Hollywood gets sacked from his show Two And A Half Men after his consistent alcohol and drug taking is deemed too much for producers. On his consequent bender, Sheen gets so high he is shot down over Libya.

April – Prince William and Kate Middleton at last get married and are given the titles Duke and Duchess of Cambridge - as well as a house, a cook, several maids, a valet, a chauffeur, a bodyguard, official photographer, etc. Kate’s sister Pippa is voted Rear Of The Year after her bum gets its own fan club. Prince Harry is disappointed when she turns down the offer to become his BUTTler.

May – Ryan Giggs and Andrew Marr are exposed for having affairs. Suddenly every man wants big ears, and Page Three girls start dating elephants. Cheryl Cole, a singer whose IQ can be counted on one hand of a broken clock, is axed as a judge on The X Factor. When asked what she’ll do next, she says she’s confused but will ask her agent. When asked what day it is she says she’s confused but will ask her mum.

June – Bruce Forsyth is honoured by his knighthood from The Queen, and thanks his fans, his wife, his agent, his producers, Viagra and his embalmer. Labour leader Ed Miliband surprisingly gets hitched at last to Justine Thornton. He said he wanted to reward all his supporters, friends and voters by marrying them. Meantime Hugh Hefner, 85, is jilted at the altar by his 25 year old fiancée Crystal Harris. He set off down the aisle at 6am but by mid day she got fed up waiting.

July – A year for despots and dictators meeting grizzly ends continues with Rebekah Brooks, editor of The News Of The World, stepping down after ‘phone hacking allegations. In a clever PR effort to quickly get her resignation letter out to as many journalists as possible, she leaves the message on boss Rupert Murdoch’s ‘phone.

August – London suffers at the hands of rioters, with David Starkey saying it’s because “whites have become black”. Meantime musicologists blame Michael Jackson’s back catalogue on the fact that “blacks have become white”. Kate Winslet rescues Richard Branson’s mum from a fire. When congratulated afterwards Winslet weeps, says it’s so unexpected, and thanks her mum, her dad, her agent, her co stars and the fire fighters without whom she would not be where she is today.

September – Scottish rugby fans at last have something to cheer and celebrate as England get knocked out of the World Cup after taking part in a dwarf throwing contest. Paul Daniels is said to have recovered. Kweku Adoboli makes history whilst losing £2bn for UBS bank after very bad trading. This beats the world’s previously worst trade when Liverpool bought Andy Carroll.

October – Shane Warne and Elizabeth Hurley do their bit for charity as they save another man and woman from a lifetime of misery by getting engaged to each other. In Libya, much loved Colonel Gaddafi welcomes his worshipping supporters who pull him reverentially from a drain and honour his deity by bestowing gifts of fists and bullets. In Heaven he tells reporters they were just excited to see him.

November – Silvio Berlusconi resigns as prime minister of Italy after stories of his womanising get more and more outrageous. He pledges to devote his new found spare time to good deeds. It eventually transpires that he means Carmella Deeds, Giovanna Deeds, Angelina Deeds and Sophia Deeds, as well as their mother Brigitta Deeds, aunt Nancy Deeds and granny Gina Deeds.

December – Britain heads in to 2012 ready to play host to the world at the London Olympic Games. Mayor Boris Johnson sets expectations by reminding the public that there is a global monetary recession and announces new events such as the 100 Metre Sales Sprint, The Financial Hurdles, The You’re For The High Jump, The Shares Diving and Synchronised Just About Staying Afloat. He asks spectators to bring their enthusiasm and support as well as seats, packed lunches, and a few St Christopher medals for the winners’ ceremonies.

Let’s hope 2012 is a better, and cheerier, one for us all.