Men at work?

My apologies for not writing a blog over the past couple of weeks but a lot has happened. Holland lost the world cup, Andy Murray lost Wimbledon, Cheryl Cole lost the contents of her stomach and Mel Gibson lost, well, it.

The French also lost out, losing the right to cover their heads. I know this was aimed at muslim women, but a rule is a rule so where does this leave bald French men, astronauts and bee keepers?

Oh, I almost forgot something else that was lost. I lost my job.

In the grand scheme of things being told the radio station where you work is closing down isn’t up there in the devastation charts with the four horsemen of the apocalypse giving away free war and pestilence - though an empty wallet may mean I’ll be grateful for a deep fried locust or two soon - but it does take your eye off the ball for a bit doesn’t it?

It seems that in the modern advertising environment radio just doesn’t work anymore as a business that employs any actual people. Stations, including the one I work for, are closing down across Britain faster than Usain Bolt with an upset tummy and a toilet at the finishing line. We’ll leave details of his following wind for another day.

The doom merchants suggest that in the age of MP3 players, free music streaming and music video on the move, the game may not quite be over for radio but the ball has certainly burst and the parkie is starting to lock the gates. So, how did we come to this?

At the risk of sounding older than Joan Rivers first Botox, radio only has itself to blame. It simply all sounds the same. The same style, the same songs, the same repetition. Try to step out of line and suggest anything different and you can almost hear the outraged echoes of the workhouse where Oliver Twist has just asked for more.

Over the past few years as radio has grown in the UK, a line of wise consultants have been employed – called wise consultants as they were probably trained by Ernie Wise as it turns out – and they’ve given the same advice to each station before taking the money and scarpering off, leaving their customers following their advice with bland faith and falling off a cliff. Not that the consultants would advise you to have anything to do with Cliff of course.

It means that the only way now to get people to tune in to your station, as opposed to every other station which is doing the same thing, is to spend mountains of money on advertising and then give away millions in cash and prizes. For the moment times have never been better for listeners who can be bothered entering competitions and soon one lucky winner will win a radio station or, as it’s known in the business, an empty building.

Apparently the future is digital and we’ll all forgive the changes once everyone stops resisting and buys a DAB radio. This is like spending money on a Sinclair C5 or an iPhone 4. In other words it just doesn’t work. I have a digital radio and it’s as much use as an MP3 of a mime artist performing opera.

So I guess I’ll now have to retrain for another job. Maybe as a mattress tester or a politician, or perhaps as a radio consultant. If I’m going to be a layabout I might as well get paid for it.