Sweets For My Sweet

I spent last weekend up in Glasgow looking for a few days of peace but working my buns off instead on various projects before settling on Saturday evening for a good old fashioned fish supper from the local chippie.

Now the Glasgow diet is a bit like The X Factor – bad for you, tasteless in some places, sickly sweet in others, but ultimately irresistible. However, even I was surprised when one youngster ordered his Saturday dinner. “Chips with cheese and curry sauce”, he said before adding as an afterthought “and a deep fried pizza on top.”

Tony, the shop owner, has now stopped doing deep fried Mars bars after a harrowing incident when three teenagers recently ordered “a deep fried Mars, same for a Twix, and a deep fried Toffee Crisp as well.” The Toffee Crisp exploded sending fat everywhere and I have a picture in my head of three teenagers licking the walls.

Having been brought up on that diet you can see why chocolate features so heavily in my life. I recently wrote a blog complaining that I have to hide chocolate from my wife who steals it and then lies that she has no clue what I’m going on about.

Debbie then posted her blog on her QVC web page and was inundated with women backing her and saying that, as we’re married, what’s mine is hers. She asked me to write a reply, so this week I’ve put this on her page. I’m expecting the sisterhood to torch my car any day now.

Reply

I recently came across an animated movie, made in 1998 by an American called Bill Plympton, which seems to sum up my life. I’m not recommending the plot as it is ridiculous, with an everyday normal bloke gaining special powers after two birds fly in to his satellite dish while making love.

So, as I don’t have special powers, how does this film sum up my life? Well, partly because every day I wake up wishing I had the super power to hide chocolate successfully, but mainly because of the movie’s title – I Married A Strange Person.

As readers of Debbie’s blog know she has no willpower whatsoever when eating chocolate and I have to hide the stuff as an act of charity. It’s not that I want it all for myself you understand. I’m simply stopping her ruining her teeth and ballooning to the size of a small village – like Manchester.

After Debbie told of my secret, the reaction and comments posted on her blog would have hurt me deeply if I had feelings. My obvious charity work in keeping my wife slim and healthy is going unmarked by you all, ‘though I did notice that all the comments came from the (un)fair sex.

So I’ve now changed my hiding places and, so far, Debbie’s none the wiser. Trust me that this way is better as we can now enjoy some chocolate when watching TV rather than the cupboard being bare and us making do with Ryvita or, if I’m very lucky, the special treat of a girly apple.

If you study the bible closely you’ll find, as many scholars already have, that Adam took the apple in the first place simply to dip it in a QVC chocolate fountain that Richard Jackson had left as a feature in the Garden Of Eden. Women have been getting men in to trouble ever since.

If you don’t believe me that I’m the good guy in all this then all I ask is that you put my case to any male partners or friends you have.

Debbie appreciated your support but I’m the injured party and it’s not fair. I know, of course, that I am the mature one in this dispute and that I have to take the moral high ground and behave sensibly. I do have a proper sense of perspective on all this.

Or so my divorce lawyer tells me anyway.