I Will Be Your Father Figure

Ever had a diary clash and found you need to be in two places at once? Well it could be worse because your double booking will be nothing compared to the one that many will face on Sunday. This will cause the Mother of all diary clashes for Arnold Schwarzenneger for instance as it’s Father’s Day, and I suspect he will have to sneak around visiting more houses than an overachieving Jehovah’s Witness.

Last year my birthday fell on a Saturday with Father’s Day the day after, leading to a whole weekend of chocolate cake and pressies, but this year I’m sure I will feel a bit put out as both momentous days in everyone’s calendar fall on the same day, leaving me feeling a bit like one of those unfortunates whose birthday falls on Christmas day. Just one load of pressies and one cake, and I don’t even have the distraction of a festive Doctor Who special to make me feel better.

I’m very lucky in that my wife always asks what I’d like to have as a present rather than guessing, so I know I will never have to worry about unwrapping novelty socks, non streaky car wax or, when he learns to write, Wayne Rooney’s autobiography. But I do feel sorry for those kids and wives who are guided by the notices in shops just now advertising what looks like car boot sale rubbish as “the ideal Father’s Day gift”.

Supermarket chain Asda, for example, has a newspaper advert running for clothing just now featuring a pink T shirt with a palm tree on the front, and another boasting a glass of lager with the slogan Bar Trek, and both of these pieces of tat are described as “the ideal Father’s Day present”. Well excuse me but what kind of bloke wants this crud, unless it’s to use as rags for polishing his car with non streak wax?

When it’s mum’s turn, Mother’s Day adverts describe the ideal gift for her as a world cruise or expensive perfume and dinner at the Ritz. But dads get a raw deal.

For real desperation to sell off old, unwanted and unloved stock, Primark really have gone further than anyone else on the High Street this Father’s Day. You won’t believe me so please set time aside and go in to check that I’m not making this up. They have full adult sized, all in one romper suits (called Onesies I’m told by my daughter) in tiger print with tiger ears on the hood, described as having the property to “Make Father’s Day Special”. What? That must be “special” in the sense that a hernia in your nose or a divorce where dad’s been dumped for another woman is special.

Meanwhile the DIY chain B&Q are advertising a power drill as the ideal gift for Dad, which seems to me as directly sexist as advertising an iron or a carpet sweeper as a gift for Mother’s Day. Why do men get such a raw deal?

Again I’m lucky that my wife and kids like to make me happy on my birthday, but I have friends for whom the day passes without even a card. My mum always forgets my dad’s birthday and panics on the day, scribbling on whatever card she has in the house. So far he has had cards “To My Daughter”, one offering congratulations “On Your New Home”, another telling him to “Get Well Soon” and even one offering condolences on a bereavement.

I do think guys get a raw deal out of this presents thing so my advice would be to just use some thought and consideration please girls.

But now I’d better go and get something for my dad. Do you think tiger ears will suit him?