I Fought The Law

This week I wanted to share with you and advert that appeared in the Savannah Tribune newspaper recently. It is an authentic ad, displayed here in slightly shortened form, but I can’t verify if the actual events took place. Read it and, like me, you will end up praying that they did.
........
To the guy who tried to mug me in downtown Savannah, night before last.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings, and I can only hope that somehow you come across this rather important message from us.

First, I’d like to apologise for your embarrassment; I didn’t actually expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon, especially when pointed at your head...isn’t it?

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you came from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare footed as I’d made you leave your shoes, cell phone and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother (or Momma as you had her listed in your cell) I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, on your credit card. The guy with the motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful. I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s along with all the cash in your wallet. (That really made his day).

I then threw your wallet in to the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb....after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car. Later I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. The line has now been closed even though I only kept it open for just over a day. Earlier I managed to get in two threatening calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc.)

I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate, pressing issues and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect on, and reconsider, the career path you have chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you may not be so lucky. Have a good day.

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex.