Bad

Last Thursday was a very important day for one of the listeners to my radio show. He wrote to tell me that his favourite star was going to make a comeback on June 10th and announce a series of concerts. Problem is that his favourite star is Michael Jackson.

His information came from an impeccable source and I’m sure that even now he’s contacting the White House and demanding to speak to his pal Obama as he says it was the American President who told him of the upcoming gigs.

Now there’s nothing wrong with living in hope that your favourite singer will come out of hiding to make a comeback, but there must be a stage where common sense kicks in. I could believe that Kurt Cobain is about to announce a series of comeback gigs with Glen Miller as musical director and James Dean selling the T shirts but I’d know deep down that it wasn’t actually going to happen – even if Barack called me at home personally.

There are some comebacks from the dead that I would kill for, like Angel Delight for dessert, Charlotte coming back to her web, and my sex appeal rising again like Lazarus, but I know it ain’t going to happen – not even to celebrate the first anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death.

According to internet theories Michael was either killed by a new experimental bio chemical weapon, had actually died years before after recording his album Bad and had been replaced by an impostor, was killed by the CIA firing an electro magnetic pulse at him because he knew something about Afghanistan, or is hiding out with Janis Joplin on a farm. Next we’ll be hearing that Dan Brown is a great writer and Last Of The Summer Wine is actually funny.

Crackpot theories are great and good fun, but they leave the embarrassment of explaining after the deadline why nothing has actually happened. I know that if I wrote back to my listener and asked what went wrong he’d say that it’s been postponed because Michael’s had to take Sheargar to the vet or has gone on a cruise on the Marie Celeste, and in his mind it will make sense. Good for him. Whatever gets you through.

The list of the more bizarre internet theories that people believe includes the “fact” that Diana told her lady in waiting that the Royal Family were reptilian aliens and could shapeshift. If that were true why wouldn’t Prince Edward shapeshift his head in to one with hair?

David Icke, former BBC sports reporter, believes we’re controlled by dinosaur aliens who need human blood to survive. So how come the blood banks don’t get raided weekly by Barney and his mates keen on a picnic?

Some believe the moon landings were faked because the foreground and background look the same in most photos. But that’s what you get on the moon – lots of barren ground and a big black sky behind. What were they expecting? Perhaps a cyclist or two? Maybe an ice cream van passing behind some trees?

Typing the letters NYC in to your computer’s wingding font brings up the characters of a Skull and Crossbones, The Star Of David and a thumbs up sign – go on, try it - so you can imagine what the anoraks make of that.

I think I prefer my route where things just happen without any logical reason rather than some grim conspiratorial fiction. That’s why we have words like serendipity, chance and luck.

As we get ready for even more conspiracy theories on Jackson’s anniversary, I’ll be reading Gullible’s Travels rather than Grimm’s Fairy Tales.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had the pleasure of interviewing Kelly Rowland of destiny's Child this week. For the radio interview click here, and for the video interview click here.