January

First of all a very Happy New Year to you all. Second of all how are you getting on with your New Year Resolutions? And third of all.... I’ve broken mine already.

I could take some comfort from the fact that ten per cent of resolutions are broken within forty eight hours of December 31st, but that just makes me like everybody else. Where’s the comfort in that?

One of my resolutions was not to laugh at the mistakes my mum and dad make due to their refusal to bow to old age and wear their hearing aids, but that was broken early when my dad asked my twelve year old daughter what she had got for Christmas. Since she’s very proud of her celebrity perfume, she mentioned that amongst the many presents she received had been a pack of “Paris Hilton”. My dad took me aside later and asked why we were giving his grandaughter Paracetamol in her Christmas stocking.

Regarding my other resolutions I guess I’m a bit common. Like everyone, I’ve resolved to get fit again, maybe even getting hold of one of those fitness DVDs that flood the shops at this time of year. Producers draw up a Presenters wish list for these videos with, in third place, any actress who was once in Eastenders, in second place any actress who was once in Eastenders and is known to be a bit of a porker and, top of the pile, any actress who was once in Eastenders, is known to be a bit of a porker and once sang with The Nolans.

I know this because a pal of mine produces these DVDs and it’s a nightmare way of earning a living. One newly slim TV personality who used to eat half a buffalo for elevenses was porking up again before the publicity tour had died down so my pal had to employ a "fridge sitter" with a padlock. She kicked another actress off the publicity junket after the constant clinking of vodka bottles in her bag drowned out her interviews, and yet another is now back to being the size of a Japanese town. That's Tokyo.

But I’ll have to do something. As I sat down to write I saw a strange sight. There was something familiar about the two blobs I saw as my legs folded in to the chair and I suddenly realised I hadn’t seen them for some time. They were my knees which have remained hidden by my stomach all year.

I’m told that twenty five per cent of folk give up the good intentions by the end of the first week of January and another twenty five per cent by the end of the month. That still leaves half sticking to their guns, so good for them.

About thirteen years ago I resolved to give up tea and coffee and I’ve almost never touched a drop since then resulting in cleaner teeth and cheaper grocery bills. Problem is that as I now drink just hot water, everyone looks at me as if I’ve asked for Advocaat and blackcurrant. They pity me with looks that say "he's obviously on special medicine". But why? I think you’ll find water was around before PG gave us his Tips and Maxwell bought his House thank you very much.

The resolution that I haven’t yet broken is to cut back on my chocolate intake. I still eat it of course but the intravenous drip has gone and the Thorntons roll ups remain unsmoked. In my world that counts as progress.