Ring Out The Old Ring In The New

Well that’s 2009 over with and I hope it was a good one for you. Here’s my usual, tongue in cheek, look back at the year.

January

People gathered in Washington to honour a man who had made the nation vote in numbers unheard of even though his race had been a question that divided many. Now, officially, he had become the most powerful man in the world. As he looked over the million plus crowd, Simon Cowell thanked everyone for coming to his early birthday party.

February

Sir Fred Goodwin, the disgraced Royal Bank Of Scotland boss, walked away with a huge pension after his disastrous leadership led the bank to the edge of destruction. He was declared the worst manager the business world had ever seen, and an unmitigated disaster who should hang his head in shame for evermore. Newcastle FC prepare to offer him a job.

March

Heston Blumenthal has to close his restaurant, The Fat Duck, after a food poisoning scare that left many diners throwing up and bed ridden. Later he re opens the restaurant, and the new ‘Emaciated But On The Mend Duck’ is now doing a roaring trade.

April

Bobby Ball is momentarily stunned to discover he has become one of the most viewed internet videos ever - until he watches and finds he doesn’t recognise the dress he’s wearing in the clip, doesn’t remember singing on Britain’s Got Talent, and remembers he’s not even Scottish.

May

Veronica Lario announces she will divorce Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, accusing him of being unfaithful. Berlusconi says he’ll grin and bare it, appoints himself head of foreign and domestic affairs, vows to remain on top, and promises to tirelessly stay on the job.

June

Michael Jackson dies, aged 50. Or, if you listen to some, moves to Belgium to rehearse with Curt Cobain and Elvis for a new tour.

July

Andy Murray enjoys all the traditions of Wimbledon – strawberries and cream, playing in white, bowing to the Royal box, Pimms on the lawn, and British players getting stuffed after the country thinks we have a chance.

August

A neighbour throws a party for Bonnie Riggs after reading that she’s been released from jail. Bonnie points out that her neighbour is dyslexic and, anyway, she’s too young to have been a Great Train Robber.

September

Vera Lynn is pronounced the oldest ever recording artist to make Number One in the album charts. Elton John, Sting and Sir Cliff ask to see her birth certificate.

October

Afghanistan’s elections fall in to disarray as opposition leader Abdullah Abdullah is accused of using a false name. In his defence he says he simply has a stammer.

November

Andre Agassi admits he has a lot in common with Bruce Forsyth and Terry Wogan as his memoirs reveal he loves music. On unrelated pages he admits to wearing a wig.

December

Tiger Woods is appalled when details of his many affairs are made public. He changes his first name to Cheetah. One mistress says he was a gentleman and never spoke about golf during their love making but, contractually, he had to speak about Nike and American Express. Tiger agrees to appear in panto next year. It’s to be called Woods In The Babes.

I wish you all the very best for 2010. Let’s hope it’s a good one. We all deserve it.