Fight For The Right To Party

I wanted to express my outrage, my horror, my sense of disappointment at something so outrageous it makes me almost physically sick. An event occurred last week which I think illustrates quite graphically the stupidness and backward nature of the
British people, and I feel like venting my spleen.

By the way, have you seen my spleen? With the warm weather back again my neighbours have been treated to it as I potter round the garden, topless, to shouts of “for God’s sake put it away. It’s big but it’s not smart”. My diet starts again tomorrow.

Anyway, back to the serious bit. What’s got me so angry? George Galloway was elected as a new MP this week and within twenty four hours someone had pelted him with eggs. In a civilised society this is simply outrageous and beyond the pale. What a waste of a perfectly good egg. Couldn’t they have thrown a bad one? A really, really smelly old one? Maybe an ostrich egg the size of Cornwall with cat litter inside it and superglue on the outside? Perhaps an egg omelette while still in the pan?

Surely no one could tire of pelting any politician, although I do think Galloway is a special case. There’s something about this Scottish, self regarding, hobbit that makes me forget I’m a lovely, soft centred peacenick, and makes me want to morph in to Darth Vader. His posters proclaimed his organisation as the Respect party, presumably an attempt to be down with the kids, but how can anyone respect a politician? Especially one with a moustache for goodness sake.

Anyone in politics now is fair game, of course, and I don’t think any of them can complain. They seem to think Trust and Respect are a sister company of Abercrombie and Fitch, great as a slogan on a T Shirt but mythical creatures who don’t actually exist.

Our current government is a laughing stock because of the petrol debacle, granny taxes, and plans to charge more for pastry. Can you believe it? We have troops dying almost daily, lending in crisis, the Eurozone dragging us down, and we will all be saved by pastry. Of course the Labour party, while refusing to ask their union bosses to call off any hint of petrol delivery shortages, think they can solve the problems of the world by having their photos taken in a bakery eating pasties. I wouldn’t take one of these people off you at a car boot sale if they were free and you threw in a Rolex and a signed original script of Citizen Kane.

So what are we supposed to do? I began asking some friends and was told to stand for parliament and become an MP. I would rather lick rotten egg off Galloway’s bald head.

I accept that we’re better off than countries with dictators, civil wars, famine, despots or Nicolas Sarkozy, but I really, really want someone I can trust and respect. Where are they?

If you fancy going for it, I’ve done some research and it’s not difficult to stand as an independent candidiate. You need to be over 18, a British citizen, and have ten signatures from people who live in the area you wish to represent. Obviously no one wants anyone dodgy and undesirable to try and enter parliament so it is illegal to stand as an MP if you are a convicted criminal, bankrupt, a member of the police force or civil service, or if you are a judge.

If you form a new political party you have to think of a name that’s no longer than six words and, sadly, they expressly forbid you registering the name “None Of The Above” which I think is a brilliant name for a party.

In Britain we’ve had the The Monster Raving Loony Party, The Teddy Bear Alliance, The Death Dungeons and Taxes Party and, my own favourite, The Mongolian Barbecue Great Place To Party, but other countries do even better. Organisations that you instinctively just know will be full of ridiculous, silly people with no brains include, in Australia, ‘The Sun Ripened Warm Tomato Party’, Hungary enjoys the ‘Double Tailed Dog Party’, Sweden has welcomed the ‘Donald Duck Party’, and America has the Republicans.

So, if you’ve ever thought of becoming a politician, please stand up and be counted now. Go for it. Your country needs you like never before. And if you get elected please let me know. I’ll be out buying the ostrich eggs and superglue.