Fool If You Think It's Over

So that’s another Valentine’s day over. I offered to take Debbie somewhere warm that would remind her of our place on the Portuguese coast but our local fish shop closes at five so, instead, I bought her something black and lacy. Those football boots cost me a fortune.

Not true of course. We actually had a lovely meal out and watched a movie. It did strike me recently that this year we’ve been very lucky in that the quality of movies coming on to our screens has been exceptional. But I think I may have been wrong.

I’ve really enjoyed, The Artist, The Iron Lady, War Horse and The Help, I’ve thought movies like The Descendants, Shame and Moneyball have been OK, and I even believe that Madonna’s W.E. is, like her religion, not as bad as the critics say.

However, just as I was starting to believe that the movie makers had grown up, along come a couple of really awful movies that make me blink with surprise and gasp in astonishment as I search for other glorious clichés to describe something you might step in at a dog show. If you thought movies like Snakes On A Plane and Centipede were the worst things ever committed to celluloid, get ready for the release of ABRAHAM LINCOLN, VAMPIRE HUNTER.

It’s based on a book written two years ago in which John Wilkes Booth, the killer of Lincoln, is revealed to be one of the “undead”. In consequence Lincoln becomes a vampire as well and turns up at Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech a hundred years later . Oh, also, in the book Walt Disney becomes a vampire too. I’m guessing here, but I don’t think this is an accurate historical document.

In the movie President Abraham Lincoln uses his top hat, a bit like Oddjob in Goldfinger, to try and decapitate vampires and, if you think I’m making this up, you can see the trailer here at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPxdjECyPmw&feature=player_embedded

If I put this movie down to a blip and still think there might be a chance that Hollywood has grown up this year then that might fade when I get to see JOYFUL NOISE starring Dolly Parton as a choir mistress. In the film every man who sleeps with a member of the choir seems to drop dead, although Kris Kristofferson comes back to life half way through to sing as a ghost! Maybe Lincoln and Disney appear doing a duet.

Another, soon to be released movie, is THE WICKER TREE, in which two Christians travel to Scotland, on “the border of England” to convert pagans. The trailers look hilariously bad, but not as awful as IRON SKY, in which earth comes under attack from Nazi spacemen who escaped after World War 2 and have lived ever since on the dark side of the moon. It is left to Sarah Palin to save us. Dialogue includes “Invasion? Y’all must be trippin’” and the posters have the strapline “The battle for earth is about to get Nazi”. It’s out in April but you can see a trailer now at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Py_IndUbcxc

This movie is billed as a comedy but looks about as humorous as tapeworm.

Bad movies are nothing new of course but it always amazes me that people are given money to make this rubbish. I have a pal who has been trying for over a year to raise money for a good movie (involving Charlie Chaplin and India since you ask) and he’s nowhere near getting enough dollars to start filming.

In a global recession the lesson for him seems to be to come up with an idea that couldn’t possibly succeed and then sit back as people throw money at you, a bit like Mel Brooks’ character did in The Producers by writing a musical about Hitler. Yesterday’s musical is today’s Nazis on the moon.

Next year on Valentine’s, as we’re all reading the Oscar and Bafta nominations, I don’t expect vampires and Nazis to sweep the board but I do expect Abraham Lincoln and Walt Disney to be seated in the audience telling anyone beside them that it was better in their day.

Just steer clear of the garlic at dinner guys.