Hurt

We’re just back from a week in Portugal where the sun shone brightly, and now as the suntans fade and slide down the colour charts from the colour of teak to milky coffee, they seem to have settled on a shade which I can only describe as being like an unhealthy cat’s litter tray. Very attractive.

It was a hectic and busy week in the tropical heat what with having to oil myself up and get up and down from the sun lounger to pour cold drinks. Then there were restaurant buffets to be cleared, bars to be inspected, packets of Ibuprofen to be consumed in the name of the god Hangover, and it would have been rude not to do a tour of every shopping centre in the area. And people think my life is easy.

The holiday came at a good time for me as I had injured my back at the gym and needed a break somewhere other than my lower spine, and I’ve learned since returning from holiday that there are two things about having a back problem that are very annoying. The first is that it’s painful of course, but the second aspect hurts even more. It seems that back pain is a bit like Colonel Gaddafi. Everyone has an opinion on what you should do to get rid of it.

I have been advised to do yoga, Pilates and swimming. I have also been told to sit in a sauna, have a chiropractor visit the house, make friends with a physiotherapist, change my diet, have someone rub my back with tennis balls, stretch out more, buy new shoes, wear a back brace, get down the local DIY store, buy Easter eggs and have more sex. Hang on, now I’m getting carried away and reading from the “to do” list on my desk.

Silently and stealthily there has been an explosion of growth in the “fix it” side of keeping fit. We’ve all gone daft for the gym without us realising that this health kick is really a big swindle. We’re being conned in to doing fitness to bankroll physios and sports scientists who simply know the words to “Your Hip Bone’s Connected To Your Thigh Bone” a bit better than the rest of us.

If healthy living really IS healthy then why does it take two weeks to get an appointment with a physiotherapist? Why do most gyms have a masseur and masseuse wafting the smell of eucalyptus round the place all day as they count the cash coming through the doors of their consulting rooms?

I love the gym but I’m starting to feel that in future running machines and spinning bikes will only be seen by my great grandkids when they’re taken on school trips to see how people once lived. In a museum somewhere a gym will be reconstructed with an authentic sweat smell conjured from oils like that old Viking town at the Yorvik museum.

I can imagine the history books now. “You may find this hard to believe children but some ancient Brits not only used to prefer vegetables to a good pepper steak, they used to punish themselves by running and cycling without actually moving or going anywhere. Some even used to wave their arms around and wiggle their bottoms to a type of music known as Aerobics. Apparently some women didn’t like the fact this made them sweat and they invented something called Pilates so they could have a good sleep on the floor instead.”

My back still hurts but my ears hurt more from listening to everyone’s opinion on what I should do about it. Surprisingly, none of the health brigade has suggested I give up the gym. That would put them out of business in the future.

For the moment I face a choice – keep on going to the gym or give it up and save money which I can then spend on more chocolate. Put like that there’s no real choice to be made is there?