He's Football Crazy, Football Mad

Football’s a funny old game, and I don’t just mean the way that my team plays, although it does seem very strange at times. Until I watched Birmingham’s game plan of constantly passing backwards I had never seen two teams on a pitch both playing in the same direction at the same time.

But my team aside, when I say football’s funny I don’t mean funny strange, I mean literally, funny. A post match interview I heard this week is beyond parody and went “The boys done well, as I said, and the season’s not over, but whoever scores the most will win, as I said. The big lad’s settling in nicely, and the opposition literally lost their heads, as I said.” A professional footballer being interviewed is about as grown up as a Jason Statham movie but thankfully shorter.

For real, laugh out loud football moments you have to go and sit at a match. The banter over the balti chicken pies is wonderful although, and I may be inviting hate emails here, it seems to me the least funny is in London where it just sounds all bile and aggression.

The funniest chant I heard was at a Celtic- v- Rangers game the week after the Rangers goalkeeper, Andy Goram, had been all over the papers blaming his gambling debts on the fact he was schizophrenic. As he picked up the ball, Celtic supporters chanted, “Two Andy Gorams, there’s only two Andy Gorams.”

On Wednesday I went to the Midlands to watch Birmingham play Manchester City and, as well as enjoying the game, I laughed a lot, but decency dictates that I can’t share most of the chants. The milder funny ones included, after a linesman upset fans with a bad call, choruses of “where’s a woman when you need her”, a vindication I hope that sexism is outdated in sport. I sat beside two women and noticed also that one of the stewards at pitchside was a woman, but another form of discrimination is thriving. It looks like you can’t get in to a football game as a female unless you’re blonde. Stewards, spectators, pie sellers, the lot. All blonde. No wonder Fernando Torres has gone back to his natural hair colour.

Each time the millionaires of Manchester missed the net this week the stadium echoed to “all that money and you’ve won f*** all” which even the Manc supporters enjoyed, but the best bit was when the stadium announcer said “ ladies and gentlemen we kindly ask that you remain seated for the whole game.” That was the cue for both sets of supporters to rise to their feet as one and sing “we’ll do what we effin’ well want.”

One advert pitchside this week caught my eye. It was for the Co-op and advertised their “football funerals”. Visiting their web site I find they are, and I quote, “the official provider of funeral service options to Birmingham City and their fans.” They must be rubbing their hands in anticipation every time a bad tackle slides in.

If you’re thinking of popping your Nike clogs soon then purchasing their bronze option means having your coffin lining done in club colours, hiring the club flag to drape over your box, and a memorial brick placed at the stadium. For an extra ninety nine pounds you get the gold service which includes a wreath in club colours and your ashes scattered at the ground, though I suggest you have them placed in the opposition goal area so you’re never disturbed. If you fancy the wide open, empty spaces then go for the trophy room.

Meanwhile, a company called Natural Endings (http://www.naturalendings.co.uk/football-funerals.asp) specialises in football farewells and goes even further with their service. Their web site shows photos of a coffin for sale shaped like a football boot, with a Nike swoosh on the side and six huge studs on top, as well as two other, normal style coffins, covered in photos of your favourite team. Whether they can influence the transfer talk in the herafter over which team you will play for, Pearly Gates United or Eternal Damnation FC, they don’t say.

Meantime I notice that a couple of the big name players who moved clubs this week have received death threats. They should be checking out the web site just in case.

It’s a funny old game.