Wait A Minute Mister Postman

I got round to writing my Christmas cards this week, a task I try to put off each year as long as possible. It starts out well and I’m full of the festive spirit with a Christmas CD playing and some mince pies beside me but, by the time I’ve got to the “D”s in my address book, Shane McGowan and Kirsty McColl are singing “Merry Christmas your arse, I pray God it’s our last” and the mince pies have gone as quickly as my enthusiasm.

To spice things up this year, I’m thinking of putting one of these “round robin” letters in my cards. You know the kind of thing.....”We’ve had a great year with Jim getting promoted to section head of pest control and me getting my varicose veins done. Little Betty has had a fun year at school, winning the sports prize......etc, etc”.

I think the idea is that you are supposed to boast but not too obviously, so, exclusively for you, here’s the letter I’m thinking of putting in all our cards this year. Have a read and let me know if you think it’s a “goer”.

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Christmas 2010

Dear Friends.

As we come to the end of another year, we’re finding here that so much has happened in the Coia household in 2010 we thought we’d keep you updated on what life’s been like.

Our daughters, Annalie and Luisa, have had an exciting year. Luisa has just started at Oxford University doing her PhD in advanced mathematical astronomy and celestial physics, which we think is amazing for a thirteen year old. She will carry on as captain of the Great Britain ladies’ netball team and is still finding time to give regular guitar lessons to Eric Clapton. A joint concert is planned for the Albert Hall in May.

Annalie turned sixteen this year and continues to win prizes for her ground breaking work pioneering anaesthetic free heart surgery on the Space Station where lack of gravity is causing major problems with her hair straighteners. She is due back on earth in time to deliver her latest paper on Vascular Surgical Advances In 3D Laser Technology to the Royal College of Surgeons in fluent English, Russian, Italian, Gaelic, Serbo Croat and American Gangster Rap.

Debbie, meantime, had a very moving reunion this year when we all went to visit her in rehab. Her friends Ron Bacardi and Johnnie Walker have been sent packing and she is now fighting fit - in fact she’s fighting with her nurses, doctors, psychiatrist and anyone who visits. She should be out by February as she is to sing Aida at Covent Garden – that’s the tube station, where she will be busking.

Paul had his eyes lasered this year after misreading the hospital surgery consent form for what he thought was to be his Glandular Realignment. The subsequent Gender Realignment operation went well, even if it was unexpected, and he is now, at last, shaving. He also finally got rid of the haemorrhoids, which was a silly name for a backing group anyway.

Meantime, our cat Molly has had a fantastic year too. We don’t wish to appear boastful but she became the first feline in history to be awarded Best Of Breed at Crufts.

All the Coias wish you a very Happy Christmas and, at the close of the year as we think of you all, we will all raise a glass or two.

Apart from Debbie of course.