I Can't See Clearly Now

With TV now going high definition, and with 3D the new big thing, I thought it best to upgrade my eyesight – I mean what use is spending money on the best quality TV picture to see Scotland losing at football, or gasping at the gore in True Blood, with eyes like mine?

I sit there squinting and wondering whether I’m watching Big Brother or a wild life programme, and I can’t tell if Britain’s Next Top Model is a guy or a girl, and that’s only if I happen, by chance, to be facing the right way and I’m looking at the set instead of the door.

Sometimes I’ve found myself wondering why London’s Burning or Towering Inferno is going on a tad long before I’m told I’m actually looking at the fireplace. I’ve never had great eyesight but now it has deteriorated so much even Mister Magoo would be embarrassed.

So, after years of talking about it, I’m actually getting my eyes lasered. I don’t expect too much, just twenty twenty sight and the power of X Ray vision.

I’ve been thinking about this for years and I’ve bored the pants off every optometrist and optician at every party. When they see me coming now they change their job description to jet pilot and, as I can’t see their faces properly, I never know if we’ve met before.

At least they can get away with saying they’re jet pilots. With my sight I wouldn’t be allowed to pilot an elevator, and I’m also colour blind which means I can’t even qualify to fly Easyjet . It also explains my taste in clothes.

Am I scared? Well put it this way. If scared were fat, I’d be Eamonn Holmes in a fat suit listening to the Fatback Band. But you have to suffer for beauty, right?

So, on Friday morning, after I finish doing the Breakfast show, I’m going to the Laser Vision surgery and putting myself in the hands of David Allamby. He seems a nice bloke and his hands don’t shake too much so what have I got to lose?

Next week I’ll report on how I get on. That’s if I can see the computer keyboard. If the blog reads something like “Caf*jd thh%ruu$ 8hgnaplw’’ then you’ll know I might need some further work. And if you see me with my shades on indoors I’m not being cool. Just careful.

Best stay off the roads for a while.