Don't Look Back In Anger

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As 2008 comes to a close here’s my annual, tongue in cheek, look back at the year gone by.

January
Paul Burrell, former butler to Princess Diana, stole a march on the Press when he sneaked out of the inquest into her death. He also stole a cloakroom ticket, two ashtrays and a letter from the canteen lady. After his testimony Burrell’s hard earned reputation was ruined when someone thought they spotted him telling the truth.

February
Britney Spears was sectioned for the second time in a month after bizarre behaviour led to her being separated from her kids. She shouted at the judge after the verdict but was spared prosecution when it was later proved that she had mimed.

March
Windsor Castle played host to French leader Nicholas Sarkozy and his glamorous, beautiful wife as well as the glitterati with their glamorous, beautiful wives. Also in attendance were Prince Charles and his glamorous, beautiful, er, mum.
Heather Mills divorced Paul McCartney after being divorced from reality for years.

April
As the Olympic flame made its way to Beijing it passed through the streets of London. With London’s no smoking policy, various public spirited citizens mobbed the runners in a friendly attempt to put it out.
John Prescott revealed he had spent ten years as a bulimic. The forgetful politician ate as much as he wanted but couldn’t remember what to do after that.

May
A Letter to The Guardian newspaper reported that since Boris Johnson had been in power as London’s mayor the sun had shone continuously. He responded that it temporarily disappeared each time he sat down.

June
Zimbabwe held an election to tell Robert Mugabe that he is a tyrant, a corrupt despot and that he should go. He thanked everyone for their vote of confidence and the wave of love, and said he will be glad to stay on for ever.
Children were confused when newspapers were filled with pictures of Mr Potato Head getting married. Parents tried to explain that it was actually a footballer named Wayne Rooney.

July
After years of waiting and lack of success, Britain celebrated it’s biggest ever triumph at Wimbledon as several families managed to sneak in for nothing.
Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic was arrested on a Belgrade bus. Next time he promises to pay the fare.

August
The Olympics went out on a high with fireworks and record breaking ceremonies as organisers decided that, in these cash strapped times, there is no point in having any form of spectacle, or indeed transport, at the next Olympic finals in London.
Paris Hilton, when asked about rumours she will be backed by an anonymous donor to run for President, said she finds it hard to swallow. Several hundred American males begged to differ.

September
Sarah Palin, a potential American vice president, said she likes to hunt moose. The Spice Girls went in to hiding.
Banks went in to meltdown, financial analysts and investors committed suicide, and companies went bust as Simon Cowell moved his accounts overseas.

October
As Madonna and Guy Ritchie said they would divorce, the singer reflected that she’s gained so much from each of her marriages and announced a “thank you” gig exclusively for all her previous husbands. She booked Madison Square Gardens, with the overflow to be seated in the car park.

November
Barack Obama is elected as the next President of The United States. Outgoing George Bush says he will do all he can to make Obama’s start in office as easy as possible. He then gives away all America’s money to car salesmen.
Lewis Hamilton becomes the youngest champion in history to win the world bragging rights for sleeping with one of the Pussycat Dolls.

December
Sarah Symonds says she’s had an affair with chef Gordon Ramsay following a previous affair with Jeffrey Archer. She believes her lovers are getting progressively better looking. Andrew Lloyd Webber worried he’s next on the list.
Protestors block Stansted airport as hundreds of flights are cancelled. Budget airline Ryanair cancels fifty two flights costing around three pounds seventy in lost ticket revenue. “There was very little information”, said a Ryanair spokesman. “Now he knows how it feels”, says every Ryanair customer.


That’s it for 2008. Have a very Happy Christmas and a Healthy and Happy New Year. See you in 2009.