Smile Though Your Heart Is Breaking

Judging by my email inbox this week people seem determined to have a laugh despite us all being flushed down the pandemic with swine fever, recession, bent politicians and age defeating injections paralysing our facial muscles. Was it Einstein, or was it Galileo, who said Botox = Skin - Time – Emotion?

Like you I tend to get inundated with jokes that do the rounds so much that I see the same gag seven or eight times and usually delete it unread, depending on who sent it. I’ve started a ratings system based on the jokes people send me and if they haven’t got at least a three or four star rating based on past performance then I bin them unopened.

However, I have never had so many jokes and cartoons appear in my in tray as this week, along with funny stories and pithy sayings, a sure sign that, at last, we are waking up to the fact that we have to be cheerful if we’re going to get through this gloomy time and financial Armageddon. The Horsemen of the Apocalypse may be riding across the sky but they’re wearing comic red noses and funny hats.

You would think that swine fever is no laughing matter – I almost said not to be sneezed at - until you see street loads of Mexicans with face masks looking like Michael Jackson, some even painting false noses and moustaches on their masks, while others just thank God for the chance to cover up their real noses and moustaches. I’m guessing that Mexican beauty salons are not doing a roaring trade just now in bleaching the top lip area.

But, awful as it is, this swine fever has led to the jokes appearing thick and fast. “I called the swine line for advice this week and all I could hear was crackling” being one of the first out of the blocks. Then it was “my family must have swine flu otherwise how do explain all these rashers on our skin?” I also received a drawing from the Winnie The Pooh stories with Piglet and Pooh walking side by side. Piglet is thinking “I’m glad I have such a good friend as Pooh” while the bear is thinking “one sneeze from him and I’ll kill him”.

Another pal decided to cheer me up by sending a list of gags used by the inimitable Tommy Cooper. There were pages of them including ‘I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue?' I said 'No, just a watch.' Then there was the cowboy who walked in to the car showroom and shouted “Audi”. Or what about the man who goes to Blockbuster and asks to borrow Batman Forever. He’s told “No. You bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.”

My favourite Tommy Cooper gag was about the bloke who bought a theatre. He told his mum of his purchase and she said “You’re having me on”. He replied “well, I’ll give you an audition but I’m not promising anything”.

Even The Sun newspaper gave over a page a day last week to comedians making light of the problems we’re all facing. So, amidst the gloom, we’re finding the first shoots of our sense of humour returning. In Washington, folk who are having their houses repossessed have started to copy Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone and have balanced paint pots on top of doors, wired their car batteries to door handles and put dog’s muck all over their door mats to have one last giggle as the mortgage company representatives enter their homes.

My favourite email joke that I received this week came from a long standing friend who works on the X Factor and, like me, is Scottish. I’ve told the joke to many English people this week and all have laughed, with no one taking offence, so don’t you be the first. Just enjoy.

A farmer in Scotland is walking across his land when he spots a man using his hand to scoop water from a stream that flows through his land. He shouts to the man, "Dinnae drink tha waater! It's fu' ae coo's shite an pish!" The man replies, "My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in the Queen’s English for me?" The farmer replies with a smile, "I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!!!"

And to round off a perfect week, I’ve discovered that Bono, the world saver, faith healer and miracle worker, has made me laugh too. It’s not often I can say that but the blind Irish singer (what do you mean he’s not blind?) has written a poem about Elvis Presley which goes, and I quote verbatim, “Elvis wore a gold suit and trained his lip to curl/ Elvis was macho but could sing like a girl”.

He then goes on “Elvis, white trash/ Elvis the Memphis flash/ Elvis didn’t smoke hash/ and would have been a sissy without Johnny Cash.”

You want more? How about “Elvis with God on his knees/ Elvis on three TVs/Elvis, here come the killer bees/ Head full of honey, potato chips and cheese.

And what makes this an especially funny poem is that Bono wrote it as a tribute to the King and is very proud of it. Which brings me back to my senses and an acceptance of how serious things are. I mean, how will they ever tell if Bono catches swine fever and starts talking nonsense?