Communication Breakdown

www.paulcoia.com

My main problem with Britain being snowed under this week wasn’t that I couldn’t get to work, or that I had to drive too slowly so as to avoid stranded cars and lost penguins. What really annoyed me about the white out was Facebook.

Far too many of my friends were stuck at home with lots of time on their hands and started to vent their frustrations by going on line and sending messages to anyone who would listen. Forget the motorways, it was my computer that was snowed under tho’, on the upside, I did get sent one good joke.

Stephen Fry disdains Facebook and uses this new thing called Twitter where you blog in real time from your mobile ‘phone, and this week he updated his fans while being stuck in a lift at Centre Point in London. This ability to let everyone know about your every bowel movement is great for the likes of Pixie Geldof who could Twitter at ten o’clock “Getting married”, at eleven o’clock “now standing in front of Father Elvis in Vegas chapel” and by mid day we’d get blow by blow on the consummation. At lunchtime the expected “oops” would arrive followed by “getting divorced” at tea time. England cricket fans could likewise Twitter their teams live scores before losing the match by lunchtime.

As I will never sign up for it, I can wholeheartedly wish Twitter every success in its endeavour to lure the nut jobs away from Facebook and let us get back to normal.

My Facebook screen was jammed on Monday with messages along the lines of “Mary is making herself a cup of tea and wondering why snow is white” and things like “John is going back to bed and trying to carry on his dream with Keira Knightley” though John didn’t say if the actress was actually there. Another asked me to join a group called "Stop Whingeing About The Snow - Its the Winter" which someone with too much time on their hands set up within hours of the cold weather setting in. When they have a bit of slush at the North Pole do explorers start Facebook groups named “Calm down dear. It’s only Spring”? Would Sir Edmund Hilary have started the “While Sherpas watched their flocks by night” thread? What’s the purpose of these on line virtual gang huts?

On Facebook I’m constantly asked to accept and send back pieces of fruit or flowers and even cocktails, and I have no idea why any adult would think it’s a sign of maturity to ask people to send pretend drinks and fruit to each other. If you don’t click on the button then you run the risk of your daft friend thinking that you’ve fallen out with them. And what do they do with these things when they arrive on their page? Do they open a virtual fruit shop or coffee bar?

One boy in America caused uproar this week on Facebook. The poor bloke is still in the closet and, instead of joining the Boy Scouts or embroidering a nice cushion, he opened a web page under a girl’s name using a photo of a female model in her underwear. He then asked guys to send him (or, as they thought, her) photos of themselves in their Y fronts. The poor, confused kid was found out and his mates are in uproar, getting the police involved.

And that’s one of the problems. The photos you use can be of anyone, but people assume it’s you. You are, of course, supposed to only accept friends on your Facebook page who would know what you look like anyway, but I’ve lost count of the number of requests I’ve received from complete strangers to become my friend. If you click on Ignore when the request comes in then you feel mean, but accepting seems just a bit desperate, as if you’re hell bent on getting your numbers up to look popular. When my mum and dad were teaching me manners, they missed out the Facebook etiquette page completely.

Of course, this is all annoying, yet harmless. I’ve renewed contact with many people I haven’t seen in years - some former girlfriends, many work colleagues, a lot of old friends, and an acquaintance named Tony who used to be in the music business but now, to my surprise, owns a chain of lap dancing clubs. I always liked Tony.

But Facebook is constantly abused. Some idiot started a page for people to bet on the day that Jade Goody will die of cancer, with others publishing comments about her predicament that would shame Stalin in their cruelty.

Fifty million people use Facebook, two million of them here in the UK, and most post personal details about themselves which can be used by fraudsters intent on identity theft. Thinking it funny to reveal your tastes in underwear, or swinging, can seem hilarious to your pals who know it’s a joke, but more and more potential employers are checking Facebook, and sites like it, for any hidden flaws in the people they’ve just interviewed.

You have to know the pitfalls as well as the great benefits of this social networking stuff. The various Snow forums and clubs will soon disappear to be replaced by the “Why are Easter Eggs getting smaller” ones and thousands will sign up exchanging views on the best eggs or the nicest freebie that came in the box. Join in at your peril, and if you get a request from a beautiful model asking for photos of you in your underpants, borrow your mum’s big drawers.

But, as I said at the beginning, I did get sent one good joke on the day of the snow so, here it is. I slipped on the ice and got sent to hospital, but the police kicked me out...... they shouldn't have signs up saying 'Stroke patients here'.