Papa Don't Preach

www.paulcoia.com

God is everywhere.

Now before you run away screaming, thinking that I must have woken up on Christmas morning to find a tambourine and a wind up holy statue that speaks in tongues in my stocking, bear with me. Though I will admit I bought a copy of The War Cry from a Salvation Army man who looked miserable outside Marks and Spencers on Christmas Eve, but that doesn’t mean I’m going all woolly pullover, acoustic guitar and campfire hymn singing.

I realise why the opening sentence this week probably sounds like the beginning of an unoriginal Sunday sermon, or perhaps it’s more like the greeting you get every six months when opening your front door to find two raincoated Yanks, with clipboards, bibles and teeth whiter than your soul.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m always pleasant to Jehovah’s Witnesses as they at least believe they’re doing good, are polite, and no one gets hurt, but when you do get the ring at the door you may want to take the advice of one of my neighbours. He asked them in to his house, sat them down for a cup of tea, and then asked if they’d like to see his holiday photos. Ever obliging, they said yes, and afterwards he showed them his wedding video, record collection, library of Jeffrey Archer books, his children’s old school certificates and anything else that made him look lonely and anxious for company.

Whenever they turned the conversation to the Almighty he said something about how he gave thanks on his knees every day for his health and then discussed his (fictitious) prostate problems in great detail. They ran, presumably in to a Jehovah’s Witness protection scheme, and he hasn’t been bothered since.

So, back to “God is everywhere”, an opening that’s probably turned plenty of you off already. But, if you look at our Press or TV at the moment He really is ubiquitous, or at least his representatives are. If it’s not married Anglican priests running away from their partners to be together, it’s the other priest who is currently making headlines by writing prayers for those of us affected by unemployment and the recession. Yet another has outraged parents by banning a crucifix from his church in case it scares the little ones. This is the cross with, as they say in Liverpool, the little man on it.

The Archbishop of Canterbury has also been weighing in on the news pages with a warning that the government is as morally bankrupt as the country is financially, and he almost quotes that great religious philosopher Freddie Mercury with ‘Beelzebub has a devil put aside for Gordon Brown’. Now the Archbishop of York has weighed in with his thoughts on immigration.

If I didn’t know better I’d think this increased activity from the Church is connected to the fact that this year is the bicentenary of Charles Darwin’s birth and the one hundred and fiftieth anniversary of the publication of his theories on evolution. Darwin was accused of being a heretic as his main theory was that Adam and Eve were bacteria and the Garden of Eden had poisonous gas instead of blue skies, slime instead of trees and, despite Steve Job’s world domination, Apples were no where to be seen.

Using this anniversary year, the atheists have gone on the offensive – in both senses of the word.

A group of them wanted to advertise their message on a few dozen London buses so that everyone could enjoy their liberating message but atheism, like religion, costs money and they didn’t have any. Instead of offering up a prayer, an internet campaign was started to attract five thousand pounds, though it actually raised one hundred and thirty five thousand, so now their message is seen not only across London but will shortly appear on eight hundred buses from Exmouth to Aberdeen.

The buses proclaim “There’s Probably No God. Now Stop Worrying And Enjoy Your Life.” It’s mildly amusing of course but certainly condescending to the millions of Christians, Muslims, Jews and others who will tell you the very reason they don’t worry about things is because of their belief. But it’s a catchy line. Whether it’s effective or not I have no idea but one reader wrote to a London evening paper this week saying they prefer not to believe what they read on bus ads “That way I know The Love Guru is not the best comedy film ever and that broadband is never free.”

Meantime, in Australia, the campaign ground to a halt as authorities vetoed bus ads put forward which were less amusing and had opted for the more direct, bossy, approach . “Sleep In On A Sunday Morning” was the best they came up with, which would have pleased employers no end.

So, prepare for an interesting year and a battle for column inches and airtime as the arguments will rage between the atheists and believers. Scientists believe Darwin was right, but many of them say it doesn’t account for the higher power that started it all off in the first place.

For me, a person of little brain, thinking all this through can sometimes cause nightmares. If very intelligent people can put themselves, happily, on either side of the debate I need something a bit simpler to help, so I’ve found a maxim that gets me through it all, reminding me of the one, undisputable proof of a higher being, whatever you personally choose to call him. In times of doubt, you are welcome to borrow it, and it’s simply this.

If there is no God, how come we have chocolate?