Radio Ga Ga

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A few weeks ago I mentioned the Croydon Von Trapp fan club who I encountered in Salzburg on their Sound of Music tour. One of them, Mo, texted me this week whilst I was working on Smooth Radio.

Mo, a dear, a female dear, was listening to my show and wanted to join in. She and the other listeners are a great lot, both funny and clever and, as I’m about to head off on holiday, I thought I’d give the blog over to them this week and let you enjoy their thoughts.

On Monday I asked what the biggest lie told by our listeners was and amongst the expected white lies to parents and partners, Bill from London shamefacedly admitted his great lie came from when he dated women as a single man. He used to turn to them romantically and say “It’s OK, I’m infertile”.

The insight Bill and others give in to their lives is truly wonderful and I’ve even found out about other generations of their families. For instance, when I asked what was the biggest disappointment in listeners’ lives, Beverley in Middleton admitted to being gutted to discover recently that her Dad hadn’t really killed hundreds of the enemy in the war as he’s always told her. She found papers confirming he was a chef. And Jim in Glasgow told me he’d grown up thinking his Dad was very religious as he used to leave the house every evening for a few hours saying “I’m away to The Bible Class”. It was only when Jim became a teenager he discovered this was the name of a pub in the Gorbals.

Next day, following the story of David Gray being upset by his music being played to inmates at Guantanamo Bay as a form of torture, I asked what song the listeners would put on to annoy people. A guy called Mike admitted in a text that, at the end of the night in his local pub, he used to select Oh Superman by Lori Anderson and put it on repeat play as he left the pub to go home. The idea that the remaining revellers would be suffering that six minute single over and over made him smile all the way home.

Jean emailed to say she is a receptionist and, at certain times of the month when she’s moody, she deliberately puts her son’s Metallica songs on the telephone system at work while people are waiting.

When I asked where listeners liked to hide things when they were younger and what objects they tended to hide there, our best answers came from youngsters. Susan who is twelve texted in to say her brother, Simon who is eight, hides his chewing gum behind his ear, while Hannah who is ten emailed to tell me that her brother George knows when washing day is approaching and deliberately hides snails from the garden in his pockets so that his mum gets a surprise when emptying them.

Bill informed us that he usually hides himself under the bed until the husband has gone back downstairs.

As a presenter, asking your audience to join in like this has many advantages. I get a real laugh and feel in touch with the listeners, the audience feels involved and they basically write my script for me. Take last Tuesday when I asked who they would take on holiday if they could choose absolutely anyone.

Barry wanted to take Jesus on holiday because he felt God’s son could do with a bit of a rest, Pete in Salford wanted Frank Spencer as his companion for a few laughs and Margaret from Glasgow wanted to invite the comedian, actor and noted transvestite Eddie Izzard. As she said, “it would be someone to have a laugh with, but also, think of all those clothes I could borrow”.

Many ladies of a certain age found their imaginations running riot and variously picked Piers Brosnan, Yul Bryner, Brad Pitt and George Clooney but one lady from Nottingham went in to great detail about how she and Mel Gibson would get snowed in after an avalanche and spend weeks digging themselves out with just one chopstick.

But I think my favourite on this subject came from Danny in Coventry who wanted to take Tony Blair on holiday. Was it for a chat about politics? Global warming? Third World debt? No, it was “so that I could guarantee I wouldn’t have to pay for anything”.

Perhaps the best response came when I asked for inappropriate presenters for TV shows. Some of the replies were hilarious but defamation and libel laws mean they cannot be read out on radio, or indeed printed here, however one of the tamer ones came from Steve in Tipton who nominated John Leslie to present ITV show Loose Women. Strictly Come Dancing should have a new host, according to Sam in Barwell, who suggested Stephen Hawking for the role, Cops On Camera was to be presented by the Kray Twins and Songs Of Praise will get Gordon Ramsay in charge if Gaz in his white van gets his way.

Wisely, the listener who suggested Rose West fronting Family Fortunes didn’t want to be identified.

I will miss this daily fun over the next few weeks as I lie by the pool sipping Margueritas and Smoothies, listening to my iPod and working out which restaurant to eat in at night, but I’ll just have to cope, somehow.

Have a hazy, lazy summer and I’ll see you in a few weeks.