2007 Round Up

And so this is Christmas, and what have you done, another year over and a new one (almost) just begun. I hope you are having the kind of Christmas you hoped for and that you get time to relax.
So, was 2007 good for you? In case you’ve forgotten everything that happened, here’s my idiot’s guide to the history of the fading year.


January – Jade Goody and some WAG from Scouse Land hit the headlines with Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty on television’s Celebrity Big Brother. The nation’s protest was picked up all over the world and, eventually, Channel Four backed down and agreed, unreservedly, that all three were not celebrities.

February – Helen Mirren won an Oscar for her role as Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth in a new British movie called The Queen. BBC news then carefully edited her acceptance speech so she took exception to the host, threw off her tiara and flounced off in a huff.

March – Ian Paisley and Gerry Adams agreed to share power in a new Northern Ireland government and promised a more mature leadership for the province. A day later things looked shaky when Paisley accused Adams of sticking his tongue out and Adams replied that Paisley was a bed wetter.

April – Iran finally released 15 British sailors who then sold their stories to the tabloids and became overnight celebrities. The money making finally stopped after Faye Turney, the only woman in the crew, was turned down by Fat Dykes in Dungarees for their Page 3 feature.

May – General Sir Richard Dannatt reveals that Prince Harry will not serve his country in Iraq after all. Instead he will be served in Bijous nightclub until he recovers from injuries sustained after drunkenly wandering Sloane Square with his girlfriend and later getting stuck in Chelsy.

June – Paris Hilton ends her prison term by saying she will now strive to be a good role model for kids. She also says she’s off to have dinner with Elvis and Mother Teresa, that she’s proud to be a virgin and that Gordon Brown will make a good Prime Minister.

July – Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is hounded by the tabloids after she admits to smoking cannabis whilst at Oxford. Her former boss at McDonalds in Oxford refuses to comment.

August – Rolling Stones legend Keith Richards denies stories that he has been living the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle and has been snorting his father’s ashes. Instead he proudly keeps them in an empty pile cream tub next to his old hip beside the Stannah stair lift.

September – Gordon Brown invites Lady Thatcher to tea. The now crumbling and mumbling, incoherent, gaga, old, wandering and forgetful politician is grateful that she accepted.

October – England lose at cricket, lose out again in the rugby World Cup Final and then suffer Lewis Hamilton failing to win the Formula One title in his debut season. Scotland proclaims a public holiday.

November – Heather Mills says she gets worse Press than a paedophile when, in fact, all she ever does is charity work to help others. After The Brothers Grimm protest about copyright protection, Mills is taken off the Best Fiction list of the year.

December – After failing to qualify for the European Championships next year, England manager Steve McClaren is sacked. His Press agent advises him to speak out, as attack is the best form of defence. McClaren asks for a dictionary.


Not a bad year, and who knows what the year ahead will bring. Here’s to a great 2008 for you and yours. I wish you the healthiest, and happiest, of times.

(The blog will be back on January 8th.)